In Theaters: March 15, 2019

Yesterday I took a mini road trip to a lake with a pretty girl instead of blogging.  But did I forget about you, my readers?  No, of course not.  This is your annual reminder that this blog is not monetized so it doesn't matter to me when I post and when I don't.  That's right, so as for today - you're welcome.  There are three releases to talk about today.

Wonder Park

Lowest common denominator children's cartoon movie.

Honestly, this is one of those movies where if someone says they like it, you gotta wonder if they're really your friend.

Wonder Park is an amalgamation of every brainless children's movie of the last ten years.  Some producer's somewhere got in a room and said they want a movie about:

 - a girl growing up

 - must feature many cute animals

 - an army of "chimpanzombies" would be hilarious (they will have tested this term with focus groups and approved of it)

 - imagination (the irony)

And then from there it was just a list of "wouldn't it be funny if..."

 - the bear was narcoleptic

 - a character was "allergic to volunteering"

 - a porcupine said he nailed it

Oh, this genre (of a sort) is getting to be worse than horror, and you all know how much I hate horror.

Anyway, from what I gather, Wonder Park is actually about a girl who dreams up a theme park as a kid, grows up, has the "I don't play with those toys anymore" phase, and then discovers that her park actually is a real place.  Aaaaand it needs saving.  Obviously.

Wonder Park is rated PG for some mild thematic elements and action.

Captive State

So, uh, alien overlords took over Planet Earth ten years ago, and now John Goodman and some black kid are gonna . . . kick 'em out?  Of Earth?  Kick the aliens out of Earth?  Yep.  I guess that's pretty much it.

The first trailer reeked heavily of trying to appeal directly to victims of Trump Derangement Syndrome.  You know ... #RESIST, and all that.  So beware of extremely heavy-handed social commentary here.

Captive State is rated PG-13 for sci-fi violence and action, some sexual content, brief language and drug material.

Five Feet Apart

Would it even be a teen romance movie if one of them wasn't terminally ill?  Well how about BOTH of them!!

That's right.  Next level teen romance right here.

Again, the producers in the room:

"All of these successful teen romance movies have one thing in common: terminal illness.  One is ALWAYS terminally ill.  But - get ready - what if BOTH of them were terminally ill?"

"Oh my goodness, Cathy, you've outdone yourself this time!"

"I know!  Isn't it perfect?  And they love each other so they want to be close, right?  But they can't, right?  Because they're contagious or whatever.  So we call it Five Feet Apart."

You know that's how it went.  You just know.

Five Feet Apart is rated PG-13 for thematic elements, language and suggestive material.

By the way . . . I'm not saying I've sneezed before, and I'm definitely not saying that I've had sneezes and personally witnessed boogers flying further than five feet . . . I'm not saying that.  But I am saying that for contagious and dangerous diseases, five feet might be a little too close.

      Big Shot Critic